Housplants

For those of us who have already done the spouse thing, the kid thing, the pet thing, yes for some of us, even the grandkid thing, or for those of us who’ve had no relationships at all, and you’re perhaps on the lookout for something not quite so, shall we say, demanding, have I got the thing for you. It’s nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, you may have one or several in your house right now. That’s right. You guessed it – probably from the title of this piece. It’s a houseplant.

Oh, come on. No moans. No groans. No disconnect because you’re under the misguided impression that houseplants are lame, they’re dirty, they’re too much work. Well, they may be for some of us, those who have a problem with indolence perhaps; but wouldn’t you like to own some living thing that would be only yours, something that depends on you for its very life, something that brightens up when you enter the room, something that will love you unconditionally? However, something that doesn’t pee or crap – ever?

Sure you would. I concede that there may be one downside to plant ownership: the part about depending on you for its very life thing. It sounds like an awful big responsibility. Doesn’t it? Not to worry, though, because the really good thing is, if you do wind up killing it; so what? Who cares? You just go out and get another. There’d be no jail time like there would be if you offed one of your kids. You wouldn’t even get a summons to appear in court like you would if say, your schnauzer went missing and six months later animal bones are found in your backyard with a dog collar and a brass tag that reads Snooki the Schnauzer with your phone number. (Some people actually like Snooki enough to name their dog after her.) Not many of us seem to really like houseplants, though. But you should. And that could work to your advantage whether your devotion is genuine or not.

Imagine how impressed a date would be entering your home for the first time gazing upon the greenery throughout your house or apartment. Healthy, flourishing plants show a woman’s nurturing side, a symbol of potential dedication to her man. While a man’s display of robust houseplants might suggest his attentive, more considerate side. For either, it seems houseplants could help in the getting lucky department. (Although, truthfully, this has never worked for me.)

Problems with indoor air pollution? Get a houseplant. Actually, you’d need about twenty plants to do the trick. But they’re cheap and your lungs will thank you for them. Remember in grammar school learning about photosynthesis? Using energy from the sun, plants take in carbon dioxide and emit oxygen as a waste product. That’s why plants need light. Without that energy source photosynthesis wouldn’t occur. Well, that’s enough science. Suffice it to say plants absorb unhealthy gasses and produce healthy oxygen. We, in the act of breathing, absorb oxygen and expel carbon dioxide. What a match! We were made for each other.

Actually, there is a certain segment of the population for whom it is important to bring a few houseplants into their lives. Those who live alone. You know who you are. You come home from a hard day’s work. You’re tired and still a little upset because your boss called you a dope for somehow setting the copy machine on fire. You need someone to talk to, someone to vent to, but there’s nobody there. You’ve walked into an empty house. You throw something in the microwave, turn on the TV and plop down on the couch. In silence, you watch a rerun of Seinfeld while slurping you macaroni and cheese.

Now, if you had a houseplant or two or even twenty (remember that pollution thing) you’d come home and say, “Hello, plant guys! What a lousy day I had today.” And you’d go on and on about how you wish you were dead, or at least you wish your boss were dead. Don’t worry. It wouldn’t be horrible for your plants to listen to you drone on endlessly as it would be for your partner or family because houseplants don’t care. They can’t really hear you and even if they could, they couldn’t do anything about it. They’re plants for Pete’s sake! What are they going to do, hop out of the dirt and jump out the window? They’re a captured audience. They can’t go anywhere while you’re flapping your gums about your stupid, lonely, miserable life.

On the other hand, say if you come home from work and you had one of those rare really good days and you feel like singing, but not just for yourself. This time, you feel so good you want to share your songs with an audience. Let me tell you, there is no better audience than one made up of houseplants. I know this from experience. You can line them all up in rows. Put some really rockin’ Abba on the stereo, maybe turn the lights down and point a flashlight at yourself as if it were a spotlight and give them a super dynamite show. My plants love that stuff.

I’m sure you’re aware of the studies conducted where the data suggests that plants grow bigger and stronger when people talk or sing to them. There are scientific reasons for this, but we decided earlier in this hub that science would be mentioned no more. So, if you’re really interested in the mechanisms behind speaking and singing to your houseplants look it up.

Now here’s something: You can eat your houseplants. That’s right. Some houseplants are completely edible. Of course, some are poison. So, you must be careful as to which ones you eat. Someone in my plant association, The Houseplant People Partnership, had made chili with a leaf of schefflera thinking it was a bay leaf. He had the two plants growing in pots right next to each other. They do look similar, but you must be careful if you intend to eat what you grow. Talk about trouble. He and his entire family wound up in the hospital.

Many people have herb gardens right in their kitchens. Actually, these herb plants are houseplants. Any plant you grow would be considered a houseplant if you’re growing it in your home, whether it be eggplant, kumquats, a palm tree or even an evergreen.

Do you remember from your grammar school days the carnivorous plant, the Venus Fly Trap? This too, is available as a houseplant. Vegetation for the most part makes its own food. It’s included in the photosynthesis process. (Whoops, there’s that science thing again. Sorry.) The Venus Fly Trap, though, actually captures insects in its sticky pods that close around its prey and slowly digests them. I happen to own a Venus Fly Trap. I call him Jaws. See? Acquiring houseplants is looking better and better now that you know how interesting they are.

Here’s something else: you can smoke your plants. People do it all the time. You’ll need a bit of room because usually the plants you smoke can reach rather large sizes. Artificial light might also be necessary. Tobacco is the most common smoke plant grown in this country. Of course, people do grow other plants that can be smoked. These plants, such as marijuana, can get you high if you smoke them. The possession of these specimens, though, could land you in jail, where I believe your incarceration would not include the joy of raising houseplants – of any kind.

I’ve had houseplants ever since I can remember. I’ve had the same philodendron living with me for thirty-one years. Her name is Jenny. Between you and me, Jenny is my favorite, although all of my houseplants give me pleasure. Imagine thirty-one years with the same plant. The best thing about it is, she never nags me and I don’t have to worry about birthdays or our anniversary. Heck, I don’t even know when our anniversary is.

Yes, plants are a great addition to any home. They’re beautiful, provide healthy oxygen while absorbing pollutants and keep you company. You can eat them, smoke them and use them for help in the getting lucky department. So, if you’re looking for the perfect relationship a relationship where you have absolute control, a houseplant is for you.